its spring break and i'm just laying in my bed listening to Sun was high (so was i) while smoking a cigarette and thinking about what kind of person i'd like to be in life and why cant i get there

currently

thursday is my choir concert. Its the last one of the year and i'm actually really excited and at the same time sad. i started choir last year and i remember walking into the class at 7:55 in the morning and i asked the teacher i could join and there was an overwhelming amount of students wanting to take the class and he allowed me to take the class and i was nervous and very scared at the same time. i have never had a talent to sing, i've always wanted to do something in music but i've always thought i wasn't talented enough. however choir made me appreciate music in a way i had never experienced before. we sung songs from various eras and while i pretended to hate it like all the other students in my class i secretly loved it. i adored the idea that i was singing music that someone passionately wrote many years ago. it just made me feel so special and then when i sung it i just felt so proud. it gave me this nostalgic feeling that i only got when i watch the virgin suicides, and for the last two years i've been part of this class and its this amazing feeling of gratitude and also pride because i never felt i'd be part of any "team" in high school. i've never been athletic and the dance team at my high school is extremely competitive to get into and extremely expensive, choir welcomed me with open arms. to this day i am not the greatest singer. i still dont know if i'm always on key when singing but i simply enjoy it so much i dont care. what my biggest worry is that after high school once i enter college it'll be competitive and the choir i will try to join wont open me with open arms. that i will no longer feel "special"simply because i'm not a competitive person and i worry that they'll judge me and realize that i'm not a great singer and not let me join. maybe its just that being involved in something makes me feel like i have a talent. because right now i dont know what makes me "different" not that i want to feel special just i like the feeling of being able to say "oh i'm in honor choir". i know this will be the only thing i miss about high school.  

currently what inspires me the most is

Bethany Costentino 

what i love about bethany and why i look up to her so much is how she obtained her success. i'm pretty sure any of my friends would say i'm a die heart best coast fan but to me bethany is everything i hope to be one day. by that i dont mean have a band which sings about the beautiful la summers and palm trees but just how strong and true to herself she is. i love how she was unhappy with her life and she dropped out of college simply to pursue what made her happy and from that her success came forth. to me thats what i feel we should do in our lives. not follow the guidelines that are spoon fed to us and hope that, that will lead us to happiness because sometimes its not about what doing others expect us to its about what makes us happy and seeing how it will work for us. i met bethany at her show at the make music pasadena and she was so sweet to me that i couldn't help but to admire her even more. her 2nd album is due may 15th and at first i was a bit worried because crazy for you was so perfect i was just worried that my favorite band would make music that was no longer them and what someone else wanted them to sound like yet after hearing many interviews i realized how amazing she is, how she speaks about how she uses writing music to deal with her real life problems about her success and her anxiety. i love her sense of style as well, i've noticed she uses very simple colors and he outfits arent so much about the prints and crazy colors but more about the way she pieces them together. since its spring i've been really inspired by her way of dressing and using more simple dresses and putting them together with simple shoes and maybe cool looking socks. one things that i admire the most is that she's been criticized for being a cat lover and a ~stoner girl~ and the way she handles all of this is really inspiring because she doesn't seem to avoid the issues and she acknowledges them and explains them in a way that makes her seem so mature its almost amazing that someone under a spotlight can deal with issues in such a way. i support her always and i dont think i could ask for a better role model. 

other things that inspire me; 

ghost world is probably the epitome of everything that goes on in my life. everything from hating high school to doing the weirdest things with my best friend. the first time i watched ghost world was when i was about 11, i woke up in the middle of the night at my stepmoms house and i went into her living room and i remember seeing enids green hair but since i was half asleep i didnt really know what was going on. as i got older my stepmom introduced me to the movie and it was during a time of 10th grade when i was starting to realize just how anti social and "different" i was from everyone in school in terms of the things i liked and just how i enjoyed things that to most kids in my class would classify as "weird". i identify with enids character how she simply doesn't know what she wants to do in life she simply does what satisfies her at the moment and she's unsure of her identity, which at times i feel like that happens to me. i had been a fan of the movie for at least 2 years and just recently when i went to new york i was on a search to find the comic book and one of my last nights in new york i went to this book store on prince st. near broadway and i asked them if they had and luckily they did. it was one of those new york moments where i just felt so lucky to be staying there and it was late at night and i also bought james franco's book and as soon as i bought it walked back to the apt. i was staying at and i read the whole thing in less than 30 minutes. the comic book of course is different than the movie but they both have the same "anti social" fuck everyone~ feeling which i totally embraced for at least 2 days after i read it since i was just so inspired. there's something about daniel clowes work that i feel is so raw and just there, i feel like many of his works in some way talk about the feelings that no one likes to talk about or the stages in our lives that we dont like to admit we went through simply cause we're just ashamed for whatever reason it is. 

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so there's many more things that inspire me but for now i'd like to end this post with just a thank you to anyone who actually read this. like i said i dont know where i want to go with this. one day i'd like to work in the fashion industry and i know i didnt ~blog about it here but i will definitely write about some of the cool outfits i see in los angeles and what keeps me inspired and my favorite designers and what my favorite collections where about fashion week as well  as little bits of my life here and there and i have a couple cool ideas i want to do and i hope to post about them here. i just want to take this one step at a time.

-tamara.

rodarte spring 2012 has to be one of my favorite collections of all time. my dream prom dress would have to be from this collection. 

Mexico

new

I want to use this as a new start. A clean slate. currently I have no idea what is going on in my life. Tumblr seems too middle school to me. Its immature to say I dont like that many people know about it, but often I feel I'm just not taken seriously. I hope maybe this will help me express my thoughts easier. Lately I've been obsessing over Gustav Klimt. All of his works are so detailed and I love just how much color there is in everything he paints. I thought alot of his works when I was in mexico over the winter, just how much detail there is in the culture reminded me of his works. Maybe that sounds silly, I dont know.